1
00:00:00,302 --> 00:00:02,409
Pawnee is, as you all know,

2
00:00:02,502 --> 00:00:04,269
the fourth most obese city
in America.

3
00:00:04,304 --> 00:00:05,738
Soon to be number three.

4
00:00:05,772 --> 00:00:07,673
We're coming for you, San Antonio.

5
00:00:07,707 --> 00:00:09,341
No, we are not.

6
00:00:09,376 --> 00:00:11,076
We are slimming down...

7
00:00:11,111 --> 00:00:12,978
Starting right here at City Hall.

8
00:00:13,013 --> 00:00:14,113
I am implementing

9
00:00:14,147 --> 00:00:16,415
a government-wide health initiative.

10
00:00:16,449 --> 00:00:18,584
We could have
a City Hall dodgeball league.

11
00:00:18,618 --> 00:00:20,152
I have first pick, and my pick is Ron.

12
00:00:20,186 --> 00:00:22,187
Great idea. Keep 'em coming.

13
00:00:22,222 --> 00:00:23,722
Now, if anybody would like to join me,

14
00:00:23,757 --> 00:00:25,391
I will be running backwards
up the big hill

15
00:00:25,425 --> 00:00:26,425
behind the Wal-Mart.

16
00:00:26,459 --> 00:00:29,228
Don't freak out,

17
00:00:29,262 --> 00:00:32,431
but Joe from sewage just
unhooked your bra with his eyes.

18
00:00:32,465 --> 00:00:35,567
What? Oh, boy.

19
00:00:35,602 --> 00:00:37,536
Hi, Joe. What's up, Knope?

20
00:00:37,570 --> 00:00:39,038
Looking good these days.

21
00:00:39,072 --> 00:00:42,074
What do you say? Van's out back.

22
00:00:42,108 --> 00:00:43,375
Let's roll.

23
00:00:43,410 --> 00:00:45,010
- Where's this coming from?
- I don't know.

24
00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:46,545
You're putting out some vibe today.

25
00:00:46,579 --> 00:00:47,880
It's just driving me crazy.

26
00:00:47,914 --> 00:00:50,049
Listen, if you're looking
for a good time,

27
00:00:50,083 --> 00:00:53,385
why don't you come on down
to the toilet party?

28
00:00:53,420 --> 00:00:54,820
That's what we call
the sewage department.

29
00:00:54,854 --> 00:00:57,790
Great. Okay.

30
00:00:57,824 --> 00:00:59,158
Liking the view.

31
00:01:00,460 --> 00:01:02,628
- Still got it, Joe.
- No, you don't.

32
00:01:02,662 --> 00:01:12,265
Corrected by www.addic7ed.com

33
00:01:23,716 --> 00:01:25,918
Christopher, got a second?

34
00:01:25,952 --> 00:01:27,252
Oh, hey, Ron.

35
00:01:27,287 --> 00:01:29,288
Listen, I've eaten
a commissary hamburger

36
00:01:29,322 --> 00:01:31,090
for lunch every day for 12 years.

37
00:01:31,124 --> 00:01:32,624
I just wanted to make sure

38
00:01:32,659 --> 00:01:34,159
this pointless health crusade

39
00:01:34,194 --> 00:01:37,196
won't affect the only part
of my job that I like.

40
00:01:37,230 --> 00:01:38,831
Oh, no, those hamburgers are gone.

41
00:01:38,865 --> 00:01:40,332
Red meat can cause sluggishness,

42
00:01:40,366 --> 00:01:41,867
heart disease, even impotence.

43
00:01:41,901 --> 00:01:44,470
Has the opposite effect on me.

44
00:01:44,504 --> 00:01:46,105
You ever tried a turkey burger?

45
00:01:46,139 --> 00:01:49,041
Is that a fried turkey leg
inside a grilled hamburger?

46
00:01:49,075 --> 00:01:50,776
If so, yes. Delicious.

47
00:01:50,810 --> 00:01:53,745
A turkey burger--you take
lean ground turkey meat,

48
00:01:53,780 --> 00:01:55,814
and you make that into a
burger, instead of red meat.

49
00:01:55,849 --> 00:01:57,483
Why would anyone do that
to themselves?

50
00:01:57,517 --> 00:02:00,352
What if I told you that
I could make a turkey burger

51
00:02:00,386 --> 00:02:03,956
that tastes better than any
other burger you've ever had?

52
00:02:03,990 --> 00:02:06,458
Challenge accepted--

53
00:02:06,493 --> 00:02:08,894
Cook-off later today in the courtyard.

54
00:02:08,928 --> 00:02:11,964
If I win, hamburgers remain
in the commissary.

55
00:02:11,998 --> 00:02:13,799
What do I get if I win?

56
00:02:13,833 --> 00:02:15,367
The rarest jewel of all--

57
00:02:15,401 --> 00:02:18,003
Victory over me, Ron Swanson.

58
00:02:18,037 --> 00:02:20,539
I like that. We're on.

59
00:02:20,573 --> 00:02:22,141
You know, I can't
believe I'm saying this,

60
00:02:22,175 --> 00:02:25,144
but I actually checked out that,
uh--that snow globe museum

61
00:02:25,178 --> 00:02:27,579
that you recommended,
and it was pretty awesome,

62
00:02:27,614 --> 00:02:28,714
I have to say.

63
00:02:28,748 --> 00:02:30,315
I mean, I did get in trouble
for shaking one.

64
00:02:30,350 --> 00:02:32,151
Yeah, I'm not allowed there anymore.

65
00:02:32,185 --> 00:02:33,919
So I have some ideas
for the health initiative.

66
00:02:33,953 --> 00:02:36,655
Okay. How about I swing by later,

67
00:02:36,689 --> 00:02:38,690
and we'll just, you know,
maybe go over everything?

68
00:02:38,725 --> 00:02:41,260
Or we could go out after work--

69
00:02:41,294 --> 00:02:44,530
You know, go to JJ's
or something, grab a bite.

70
00:02:44,564 --> 00:02:46,765
Um, I-I don't think I can.

71
00:02:46,799 --> 00:02:48,267
But why don't we just talk
about it later

72
00:02:48,301 --> 00:02:51,503
in this building?

73
00:02:51,538 --> 00:02:53,038
Okay? All right.

74
00:02:53,072 --> 00:02:55,741
But, uh, you're great,
and you have great ideas,

75
00:02:55,775 --> 00:02:57,676
and...

76
00:02:57,710 --> 00:03:01,013
Um...

77
00:03:01,047 --> 00:03:02,214
Uh, bye.

78
00:03:03,783 --> 00:03:07,286
Bye, babe.

79
00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:09,421
Hey, I brought
this cholesterol-testing kit

80
00:03:09,455 --> 00:03:11,190
for the health thing.
Okay, let's do it.

81
00:03:11,224 --> 00:03:14,893
So I asked Ben out to dinner,
and he said no.

82
00:03:14,928 --> 00:03:17,196
What? He seemed really into you.

83
00:03:17,230 --> 00:03:18,530
What did he say exactly?

84
00:03:18,565 --> 00:03:20,933
He was like, "huh? What?
Huh? Oh. Bye."

85
00:03:20,967 --> 00:03:23,101
And then he walked into an
office that wasn't his.

86
00:03:23,136 --> 00:03:24,536
Oh. You know what?

87
00:03:24,571 --> 00:03:26,071
If he doesn't want to go out
with you, he's nuts.

88
00:03:26,105 --> 00:03:28,540
You're awesome, and there's a
million other guys out there.

89
00:03:28,575 --> 00:03:31,610
I have been having so much fun
just dating a bunch of people.

90
00:03:31,644 --> 00:03:33,745
I know. Who was that guy
you were talking to out there

91
00:03:33,780 --> 00:03:35,614
and then also kissing? I was--

92
00:03:35,648 --> 00:03:37,583
Crap on a crayfish.
That really stings.

93
00:03:37,617 --> 00:03:38,884
I haven't pricked you yet.

94
00:03:38,918 --> 00:03:40,552
Oh, sorry. I was just picturing it.

95
00:03:40,587 --> 00:03:42,654
You know what?
Maybe you need to cast a wider net.

96
00:03:42,689 --> 00:03:44,056
Have you thought
about Internet dating?

97
00:03:44,090 --> 00:03:45,457
Really? I don't think that's for me.

98
00:03:45,491 --> 00:03:47,559
Aah! You're a monster.

99
00:03:47,594 --> 00:03:49,328
Still haven't done it yet.
You know what?

100
00:03:49,362 --> 00:03:50,929
I'll help you set up a profile.
It'll be fun.

101
00:03:50,964 --> 00:03:52,764
All right, yeah, let's do it.
Okay, good.

102
00:03:52,799 --> 00:03:54,299
- I'm glad that's over.
- Oh, it's not.

103
00:03:55,668 --> 00:03:57,302
You, Ann!

104
00:03:58,705 --> 00:04:00,372
Who the hell is "Forp"?

105
00:04:00,406 --> 00:04:02,774
I don't know.
I couldn't really hear him.

106
00:04:02,809 --> 00:04:04,610
It sounded like his name was Forp.

107
00:04:04,644 --> 00:04:06,511
- You get his number?
- No.

108
00:04:06,546 --> 00:04:09,414
Good girl.

109
00:04:09,449 --> 00:04:10,916
Ron Swanson.
April Ludgate.

110
00:04:10,950 --> 00:04:12,951
Hey, I'm just gonna pop over
to grain 'n simple

111
00:04:12,986 --> 00:04:15,020
to get the very best
ingredients for my burger.

112
00:04:15,054 --> 00:04:17,856
- Do you want to come?
- What is grain 'n simple?

113
00:04:17,890 --> 00:04:19,658
It's a health-food store.

114
00:04:19,692 --> 00:04:21,260
Pawnee doesn't have
a health-food store.

115
00:04:21,294 --> 00:04:23,962
No, but Snerling does, and
it's only a 40-minute drive.

116
00:04:23,997 --> 00:04:25,330
What are you doing, Andy?

117
00:04:25,365 --> 00:04:27,499
I'm getting healthier snacks
for the shoeshine stand.

118
00:04:27,533 --> 00:04:29,001
Chris is a food genius.

119
00:04:29,035 --> 00:04:30,702
Did you know that the food
you eat becomes energy?

120
00:04:30,737 --> 00:04:34,439
Yeah. Boom! That's spaghetti.

121
00:04:34,474 --> 00:04:36,308
Nachos.

122
00:04:36,342 --> 00:04:38,176
That's a cookie.

123
00:04:38,211 --> 00:04:40,379
That's my husband.

124
00:04:40,413 --> 00:04:42,648
- See you tomorrow?
- Okay.

125
00:04:42,682 --> 00:04:44,383
Is that a different guy from earlier?

126
00:04:44,417 --> 00:04:46,385
- What?
- Never mind.

127
00:04:46,419 --> 00:04:47,919
You ready to rock this profile?

128
00:04:47,954 --> 00:04:48,987
All right.

129
00:04:49,022 --> 00:04:50,689
Yellow-haired female

130
00:04:50,723 --> 00:04:53,959
likes waffles and news.

131
00:04:53,993 --> 00:04:55,861
Sexy, well-read blonde

132
00:04:55,895 --> 00:04:57,829
loves the sweeter things in life.

133
00:04:57,864 --> 00:04:58,964
Much better.

134
00:04:58,998 --> 00:05:01,266
- Hobbies?
- Organizing my agenda.

135
00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:02,534
Wait, that doesn't sound fun.

136
00:05:02,568 --> 00:05:05,337
Um, jamming on my planner.

137
00:05:05,371 --> 00:05:06,638
Favorite place?

138
00:05:06,673 --> 00:05:09,508
Upstairs there's this mural
of wildflowers,

139
00:05:09,542 --> 00:05:11,209
and I like to sit on a bench
in front of it.

140
00:05:11,244 --> 00:05:12,577
Really?

141
00:05:12,612 --> 00:05:13,945
It could be anywhere in the world--

142
00:05:13,980 --> 00:05:16,248
Paris, Hawaii,
the Grand Canyon.

143
00:05:16,282 --> 00:05:18,684
No, just the bench
in front of the mural.

144
00:05:18,718 --> 00:05:19,951
What about, like,
an actual meadow

145
00:05:19,986 --> 00:05:21,320
- where wildflowers are?
- Ew, Ann.

146
00:05:21,354 --> 00:05:23,422
I'm scared of bees. Mural.

147
00:05:23,456 --> 00:05:24,756
Okay, what do you think of dogs?

148
00:05:24,791 --> 00:05:25,824
Love.

149
00:05:25,858 --> 00:05:26,892
- Cats.
- Love.

150
00:05:26,926 --> 00:05:28,493
- Fish.
- Love.

151
00:05:28,528 --> 00:05:30,128
Turtles.

152
00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:32,964
No opinion.

153
00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:34,499
They're condescending.

154
00:05:34,534 --> 00:05:37,202
Describe your ideal man.

155
00:05:37,236 --> 00:05:40,238
He's dark and mysterious,

156
00:05:40,273 --> 00:05:43,108
and he can sing,
and he plays the organ.

157
00:05:43,142 --> 00:05:45,944
I think you just described
the Phantom of the Opera.

158
00:05:45,978 --> 00:05:47,879
Mm.

159
00:05:49,148 --> 00:05:51,550
Ah, Nirvana. Hey, guys.

160
00:05:51,584 --> 00:05:52,684
Hey, Chris.

161
00:05:52,719 --> 00:05:54,086
Amber, Annie, Bill, Johnny.

162
00:05:54,120 --> 00:05:58,390
No, I don't plan to buy anything here.

163
00:05:58,424 --> 00:06:01,460
I buy my burger ingredients
at food and stuff,

164
00:06:01,494 --> 00:06:03,962
a discount-food outlet
equidistant from my home

165
00:06:03,996 --> 00:06:05,297
and my work.

166
00:06:05,331 --> 00:06:09,134
I came here for the same
reason people go to the zoo.

167
00:06:10,636 --> 00:06:11,770
Shh.

168
00:06:11,804 --> 00:06:15,707
Look at that thing.

169
00:06:15,742 --> 00:06:18,543
Nature is amazing.

170
00:06:18,578 --> 00:06:20,879
Okay. Oh, my God.

171
00:06:20,913 --> 00:06:23,415
A 98% match.

172
00:06:23,449 --> 00:06:24,783
That's a soul-mate-level match.

173
00:06:24,817 --> 00:06:26,718
I've never seen anything
this high before.

174
00:06:27,753 --> 00:06:29,554
Awesome.

175
00:06:29,589 --> 00:06:31,623
Okay. I know what you're thinking.

176
00:06:31,657 --> 00:06:33,792
And you know what?
You have to forget about Ben.

177
00:06:33,826 --> 00:06:35,660
He had his chance, and he blew it.

178
00:06:35,695 --> 00:06:39,398
This computer could have found
the future Mr. Leslie Knope.

179
00:06:39,432 --> 00:06:41,666
Yeah. Okay...

180
00:06:41,701 --> 00:06:44,069
Entire universe of guys
I might date,

181
00:06:44,103 --> 00:06:46,304
let's see what you got.

182
00:06:46,339 --> 00:06:47,472
Ah!

183
00:06:50,339 --> 00:06:52,435
This is Craig at hoosiermate.com.
How can I help you?

184
00:06:52,445 --> 00:06:54,613
Craig, your service is crap.

185
00:06:54,647 --> 00:06:56,615
- Can you be more specific?
- Yes.

186
00:06:56,649 --> 00:06:58,083
Your soul-mate match
was totally wrong for me.

187
00:06:58,117 --> 00:06:59,851
I mean, I like him as a friend
and everything,

188
00:06:59,886 --> 00:07:00,986
but I'd never go out with him.

189
00:07:01,020 --> 00:07:02,454
He's like a little sister to me.

190
00:07:02,488 --> 00:07:03,822
We have a very sophisticated algorithm

191
00:07:03,856 --> 00:07:05,791
that's paired up thousands of couples.

192
00:07:05,825 --> 00:07:07,259
I actually met my wife on the site.

193
00:07:07,293 --> 00:07:08,593
Really? Well, that's not gonna last.

194
00:07:08,628 --> 00:07:09,761
- Excuse me?
- You heard me.

195
00:07:09,796 --> 00:07:11,797
Your marriage is a sham.
Good-bye, Craig.

196
00:07:11,831 --> 00:07:15,467
See you, sweetheart.

197
00:07:15,501 --> 00:07:16,868
Wow, he seems nice.

198
00:07:16,903 --> 00:07:18,870
Eh. He kind of lives in a barn.

199
00:07:18,905 --> 00:07:20,005
- What's up?
- What's wrong with me?

200
00:07:20,039 --> 00:07:22,707
Why do good guys hate me
and gross guys love me?

201
00:07:22,742 --> 00:07:23,942
Diagnose me.
You're a nurse.

202
00:07:23,976 --> 00:07:25,777
There's nothing wrong with you.

203
00:07:25,812 --> 00:07:28,780
You are an intelligent,
classy, attractive woman.

204
00:07:28,815 --> 00:07:31,216
But for whatever reason,
right now

205
00:07:31,250 --> 00:07:33,785
only douche-y guys are buying
what you're selling.

206
00:07:33,820 --> 00:07:37,689
So I should go and ask them
what they think I'm selling.

207
00:07:37,723 --> 00:07:40,192
A douche-vestigation.

208
00:07:40,226 --> 00:07:41,226
Nice.

209
00:07:41,260 --> 00:07:42,994
Hi, Joe.

210
00:07:43,029 --> 00:07:44,729
I know you're gonna take this
the wrong way,

211
00:07:44,764 --> 00:07:46,131
but can I talk to you
for a second?

212
00:07:46,165 --> 00:07:49,134
You can do anything to me
for any number of seconds.

213
00:07:49,168 --> 00:07:50,702
- Hmm.
- Would you like to talk outside

214
00:07:50,736 --> 00:07:52,804
- in my van?
- No. Here's fine.

215
00:07:52,839 --> 00:07:56,908
I was flattered
by what you said earlier.

216
00:07:56,943 --> 00:07:59,878
And I was just wondering, what
do you look for in a woman?

217
00:07:59,912 --> 00:08:02,914
She can't be in a wheelchair,

218
00:08:02,949 --> 00:08:04,683
no canes, no gray hair.

219
00:08:04,717 --> 00:08:06,017
So basically
you're just attracted to me

220
00:08:06,052 --> 00:08:07,319
because I'm not an elderly person.

221
00:08:07,353 --> 00:08:08,587
Yeah.

222
00:08:08,621 --> 00:08:10,822
And as I aforementioned,

223
00:08:10,857 --> 00:08:12,891
you have a killer dumpster.

224
00:08:14,927 --> 00:08:17,562
What does this do?

225
00:08:23,402 --> 00:08:25,937
Would you like to sample
our vegan bacon?

226
00:08:25,972 --> 00:08:27,439
100% meatless.

227
00:08:27,473 --> 00:08:29,474
Yes, please.

228
00:08:33,212 --> 00:08:35,614
Another, please.

229
00:08:35,648 --> 00:08:39,618
Sure.

230
00:08:39,652 --> 00:08:41,219
S-sir, is there a problem?

231
00:08:41,254 --> 00:08:44,422
I'm just making sure
no one ever has to eat this.

232
00:08:44,457 --> 00:08:46,725
I-I don't think
I can give you anymore.

233
00:08:46,759 --> 00:08:47,993
I want one.

234
00:08:52,932 --> 00:08:54,566
Yeah, I'm calling to lodge a complaint

235
00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:57,302
about the seaweed and almond
under-eye cream

236
00:08:57,336 --> 00:08:58,937
I purchased from you guys.

237
00:08:58,971 --> 00:09:01,206
Oh, my problem is it smells terrible.

238
00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:03,441
Yeah, I even mixed it
with another under-eye cream,

239
00:09:03,476 --> 00:09:06,044
and it still smelled,
so I ruined two eye creams.

240
00:09:06,078 --> 00:09:09,414
Yes, I will hold.

241
00:09:09,448 --> 00:09:11,883

 Forever young 


242
00:09:11,918 --> 00:09:13,385

 I want to be 


243
00:09:13,419 --> 00:09:15,787

 forever young

244
00:09:15,821 --> 00:09:17,622
do you really want to live 


245
00:09:17,657 --> 00:09:18,790

 forever? 


246
00:09:20,626 --> 00:09:21,960
What's this?

247
00:09:21,994 --> 00:09:23,929
Dragon fruit.

248
00:09:23,963 --> 00:09:25,897
What's this?

249
00:09:25,932 --> 00:09:27,966
A kiwano or horned melon.

250
00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:30,735
- What's this?
- A peach.

251
00:09:30,770 --> 00:09:33,438
I knew that.

252
00:09:33,472 --> 00:09:34,739
Wow.

253
00:09:34,774 --> 00:09:38,243
Fresh lettuce
is my all-time favorite food.

254
00:09:38,277 --> 00:09:39,244
What's your favorite food?

255
00:09:39,278 --> 00:09:40,612
Oh, I take skittles,

256
00:09:40,646 --> 00:09:43,281
and I put it between
two starbursts.

257
00:09:43,316 --> 00:09:45,483
- You know what I call it?
- Skittle sandwich.

258
00:09:45,518 --> 00:09:47,185
That's pretty good.

259
00:09:47,219 --> 00:09:50,121
No, I call it Andy's mouth surprise.

260
00:09:50,156 --> 00:09:54,326
It's nice because the flavor
of the starbursts

261
00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:55,427
really bring out

262
00:09:55,461 --> 00:10:00,999
a similar flavor in the skittles.

263
00:10:01,033 --> 00:10:02,500

 Forever young 


264
00:10:02,535 --> 00:10:05,103
- * I want to be forever young *
- Hey, Tom.

265
00:10:05,137 --> 00:10:07,138
Um... What's up?

266
00:10:07,173 --> 00:10:10,208
Do you want to go to lunch?

267
00:10:10,242 --> 00:10:12,477
Uh, no, I don't really feel
like going to JJ's.

268
00:10:12,511 --> 00:10:13,545
We can go anywhere.

269
00:10:13,579 --> 00:10:15,180
Your choice. I'm buying.

270
00:10:15,214 --> 00:10:17,616
Can I get apps and 'serts?

271
00:10:17,650 --> 00:10:19,551
'Serts are what I call desserts.

272
00:10:19,585 --> 00:10:21,052
Tray-trays are entrees.

273
00:10:21,087 --> 00:10:24,456
I call sandwiches Sammies,
Sandoozles, or Adam Sandlers.

274
00:10:24,490 --> 00:10:27,225
Air conditioners
are cool blasterz, with a "z."

275
00:10:27,259 --> 00:10:28,793
I don't know where that came from.

276
00:10:28,828 --> 00:10:30,729
I call cakes big old cookies.

277
00:10:30,763 --> 00:10:32,897
I call noodles long-ass rice.

278
00:10:32,932 --> 00:10:35,300
Fried chicken is fry-fry chicky-chick.

279
00:10:35,334 --> 00:10:37,369
Chicken parm
is chicky-chicky parm-parm.

280
00:10:37,403 --> 00:10:39,738
Chicken cacciatore-- Chicky catch.

281
00:10:39,772 --> 00:10:42,540
I call eggs pre-birds or future birds.

282
00:10:42,575 --> 00:10:44,576
Root beer is super water.

283
00:10:44,610 --> 00:10:46,411
Tortillas are bean blankies.

284
00:10:46,445 --> 00:10:48,680
And I call forks...

285
00:10:48,714 --> 00:10:50,215
Food rakes.

286
00:10:50,249 --> 00:10:53,585
Yeah, you can get
as many 'serts as you want.

287
00:10:53,619 --> 00:10:55,820
Well, let's get in my go-go mobile.

288
00:10:55,855 --> 00:10:57,222
Car.

289
00:10:57,256 --> 00:10:58,890
This'll be fun.

290
00:10:58,924 --> 00:11:01,059
Let's say you rub a bottle
and a genie comes out

291
00:11:01,093 --> 00:11:03,194
and gives you three wishes--
What would those wishes be?

292
00:11:03,229 --> 00:11:05,030
- Come on, Leslie.
- This'll be a fun game.

293
00:11:05,064 --> 00:11:06,164
Three wishes. Go.

294
00:11:06,198 --> 00:11:08,700
Okay, first wish,
I have a huge house

295
00:11:08,734 --> 00:11:10,068
with a ton of balconies.

296
00:11:10,102 --> 00:11:11,603
Yeah, okay.

297
00:11:11,637 --> 00:11:13,438
And I would just stand out
there observing my empire,

298
00:11:13,472 --> 00:11:15,073
like a drug dealer
in a Michael Bay movie.

299
00:11:15,107 --> 00:11:18,443
And I'll just spend my time
out there reading my iPad

300
00:11:18,477 --> 00:11:20,845
and drinking espressos
in a terrycloth robe.

301
00:11:21,880 --> 00:11:22,781
Wish number two.

302
00:11:22,815 --> 00:11:27,085
Okay, I'm the CEO
of the Spike TV Network.

303
00:11:27,119 --> 00:11:29,721
And my best friend / personal assistant

304
00:11:29,755 --> 00:11:32,090
is Oscar winner Jamie Foxx.

305
00:11:32,124 --> 00:11:34,826
And we create
a raunchy animated series

306
00:11:34,860 --> 00:11:39,097
based on our friendship called
<i>Tommy and the Foxx.</i>

307
00:11:39,131 --> 00:11:41,132
Okay, we don't have
to do this anymore.

308
00:11:41,167 --> 00:11:42,233
No, no, I'm into it now.

309
00:11:42,268 --> 00:11:43,435
Wish number three--

310
00:11:43,469 --> 00:11:45,003
They remake <i>Point Break.</i>

311
00:11:45,037 --> 00:11:46,971
I play both roles--

312
00:11:47,006 --> 00:11:48,940
Keanu and Swayze.

313
00:11:48,974 --> 00:11:51,042
I think if you continue
cross-training the way you have,

314
00:11:51,077 --> 00:11:53,378
you're gonna--

315
00:11:53,412 --> 00:11:54,879
I don't see any ingredients.

316
00:11:54,914 --> 00:11:57,348
- Have you bought ingredients?
- Nope.

317
00:11:57,383 --> 00:11:59,818
- Do you need help shopping?
- No.

318
00:11:59,852 --> 00:12:01,252
Are you hurt?
Can you move?

319
00:12:01,287 --> 00:12:02,454
Never felt better.

320
00:12:02,488 --> 00:12:04,889
Chris!

321
00:12:04,924 --> 00:12:06,257
Can I get these?

322
00:12:06,292 --> 00:12:07,559
I said one thing.

323
00:12:07,593 --> 00:12:09,661
Eh. Honey?

324
00:12:09,695 --> 00:12:11,162
Pinwheel.

325
00:12:13,332 --> 00:12:14,766
Let's play a different game.

326
00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:16,568
I'm gonna say stuff about me,

327
00:12:16,602 --> 00:12:17,902
and you say,
on a scale from one to ten,

328
00:12:17,937 --> 00:12:19,671
how interested in
that thing you are.

329
00:12:19,705 --> 00:12:21,673
Ready? Okay.

330
00:12:21,707 --> 00:12:24,142
I love sunshine and fresh
air and early-morning walks.

331
00:12:24,176 --> 00:12:25,176
- One.
- I have read

332
00:12:25,211 --> 00:12:26,511
five biographies
of Eleanor Roosevelt.

333
00:12:26,545 --> 00:12:27,879
- One.
- I work

334
00:12:27,913 --> 00:12:29,247
- at the parks and recreation...
- One.

335
00:12:29,281 --> 00:12:30,615
- That's what you do.
- One.

336
00:12:30,649 --> 00:12:32,150
I once kissed
a girl in college...

337
00:12:32,184 --> 00:12:33,752
Eight.

338
00:12:33,786 --> 00:12:35,386
Where I graduated
Summa Cum Laude in history.

339
00:12:35,421 --> 00:12:36,588
One, zero, negative a billion.

340
00:12:36,622 --> 00:12:38,857
Don't talk about it
anymore, please.

341
00:12:41,626 --> 00:12:44,963
I love food and stuff.

342
00:12:44,997 --> 00:12:48,433
It's where I buy all of my food...

343
00:12:48,467 --> 00:12:51,603
And most of my stuff.

344
00:12:51,637 --> 00:12:53,171
Hey, can I get these?

345
00:12:53,205 --> 00:12:54,539
How much are they?

346
00:12:54,573 --> 00:12:56,474
Two bucks apiece.

347
00:12:56,509 --> 00:12:58,676
Good deal.

348
00:12:58,711 --> 00:13:00,478
Anything else?

349
00:13:00,513 --> 00:13:04,382
Nope. Just the crows and the beef.

350
00:13:04,416 --> 00:13:06,718
So the only thing that's
important to you is hotness?

351
00:13:06,752 --> 00:13:09,487
Wendy, Lucy. All you cared about
was the shape of their boobs?

352
00:13:09,522 --> 00:13:10,955
No. I really liked them,

353
00:13:10,990 --> 00:13:13,191
and they happened
to have nice breasts.

354
00:13:13,225 --> 00:13:14,392
You're acting really weird.

355
00:13:14,426 --> 00:13:15,794
W-what'd you even
buy me lunch for--

356
00:13:15,828 --> 00:13:17,896
Just so you could yell at me
for what I like about women?

357
00:13:17,930 --> 00:13:19,798
Okay.

358
00:13:19,832 --> 00:13:21,132
Promise not to tell anyone?

359
00:13:21,167 --> 00:13:23,001
- Sure.
- This is insane.

360
00:13:23,035 --> 00:13:26,604
But you and I got matched up
on hoosiermate.com.

361
00:13:28,174 --> 00:13:29,674
98% match.

362
00:13:29,708 --> 00:13:34,145
Soul-mate-level match.

363
00:13:34,180 --> 00:13:36,214
You want to date me.

364
00:13:36,248 --> 00:13:37,348
This is a date.

365
00:13:37,383 --> 00:13:38,983
This is not a date, okay?

366
00:13:39,018 --> 00:13:40,985
Uh, you took me to a
fancy restaurant.

367
00:13:41,020 --> 00:13:42,587
You paid for my meal.

368
00:13:42,621 --> 00:13:44,189
And you're trying to get
to know me better.

369
00:13:44,223 --> 00:13:45,590
I was just trying to figure out

370
00:13:45,624 --> 00:13:47,926
why only sleazy guys
are into me right now.

371
00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:50,228
Nice try. You love me.

372
00:13:50,262 --> 00:13:53,264

 Leslie Knope, Tom Haverford 


373
00:13:53,299 --> 00:13:56,167

 dating in the day,
dating in the night 


374
00:13:56,202 --> 00:13:58,903

 dating all day
'cause he's keeping it tight 


375
00:13:58,938 --> 00:14:00,205
All right, Tom, enough.

376
00:14:00,239 --> 00:14:02,240

 Dating in the car,
dating on the floor 


377
00:14:02,274 --> 00:14:05,009

 dating everywhere,
'cause she wants some more 


378
00:14:09,815 --> 00:14:12,383
Hey, Tom, I'm just printing
out these health tips.

379
00:14:12,418 --> 00:14:14,552
- Can you grab them for me?
- One second.

380
00:14:14,587 --> 00:14:17,055
I'm just looking
at some real-estate listings.

381
00:14:17,089 --> 00:14:18,957
Oh, this is perfect for us--

382
00:14:18,991 --> 00:14:22,393
Three bedroom,
and, oh, God, Les,

383
00:14:22,428 --> 00:14:25,530
it has that dream closet
you've always wanted--

384
00:14:25,564 --> 00:14:27,932
- A walk-in closet.
- Oh, God.

385
00:14:27,967 --> 00:14:29,801
Hey, hey, Boo.

386
00:14:29,835 --> 00:14:33,471
What's wrong? Where'd you go?

387
00:14:33,505 --> 00:14:35,406
- Come back to me.
- Stop it.

388
00:14:35,441 --> 00:14:37,775
Don't disappear on me.
I need you, Boo.

389
00:14:40,179 --> 00:14:41,880
All right.
Uh, let's get into it.

390
00:14:41,914 --> 00:14:44,883
What do you guys have
for health tips?

391
00:14:44,917 --> 00:14:46,117
Ben, if it's okay with you,

392
00:14:46,151 --> 00:14:48,286
Leslie and I are gonna lead
the meeting today

393
00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:50,622
because of our deep
spiritual connection.

394
00:14:50,656 --> 00:14:52,690
Oka-- All right.

395
00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:54,492
Is everything okay?

396
00:14:54,526 --> 00:14:55,660
- Oh, yeah.
- Okay.

397
00:14:55,694 --> 00:14:56,961
Everything is great, Ben.

398
00:14:56,996 --> 00:15:00,098
Les and I just had
something magical happen today

399
00:15:00,132 --> 00:15:01,599
at lunch.

400
00:15:01,634 --> 00:15:04,168
There is some weird juju
in this room right now.

401
00:15:04,203 --> 00:15:06,604
Office yoga.
We do stretches at our desk

402
00:15:06,639 --> 00:15:08,273
or next to our desk
or in a chair--

403
00:15:08,307 --> 00:15:09,841
always good for you.

404
00:15:09,875 --> 00:15:11,242
Um...

405
00:15:11,277 --> 00:15:13,778
We give everyone pedometers,

406
00:15:13,812 --> 00:15:15,013
and we have a contest--

407
00:15:15,047 --> 00:15:17,982
Whoever takes the most steps
wins a prize.

408
00:15:18,017 --> 00:15:20,184
You know, anything to get
their heart rate up.

409
00:15:20,219 --> 00:15:22,787
You know what else
gets people's heart rate up?

410
00:15:22,821 --> 00:15:24,689
Doing it.

411
00:15:24,723 --> 00:15:27,659
Talking about sex with my boss.

412
00:15:29,495 --> 00:15:30,828
Can you excuse us for a second?

413
00:15:30,863 --> 00:15:31,863
Yeah.

414
00:15:31,897 --> 00:15:33,231
Hey, can I talk to you
for a second?

415
00:15:33,265 --> 00:15:34,666
Ow! Let me get out of the chair!

416
00:15:34,700 --> 00:15:36,601
Hey! What is wrong with you?

417
00:15:36,635 --> 00:15:38,303
Leslie, it's the workplace.

418
00:15:38,337 --> 00:15:39,804
You're being a little bit
too feisty right now.

419
00:15:39,838 --> 00:15:42,006
You are being a little bit
too much of an ass right now.

420
00:15:42,041 --> 00:15:43,474
Okay? Knock it off.

421
00:15:43,509 --> 00:15:45,877
I can't fight this feeling anymore.

422
00:15:45,911 --> 00:15:47,478
You and I--

423
00:15:47,513 --> 00:15:50,648
We're dating.

424
00:15:53,519 --> 00:15:55,053
You should be so lucky.

425
00:15:55,087 --> 00:15:56,187
- Leslie.
- Huh?

426
00:15:56,221 --> 00:15:59,424
Tom.

427
00:16:02,628 --> 00:16:04,495
They should fix that.

428
00:16:05,128 --> 00:16:07,495
It was all-- just a joke.

429
00:16:07,533 --> 00:16:09,334
I can assure you, there's
nothing romantic going on

430
00:16:09,368 --> 00:16:11,102
- between me and Tom.
- I have a very strict policy--

431
00:16:11,136 --> 00:16:12,570
No office relationships,

432
00:16:12,604 --> 00:16:15,273
particularly between
a supervisor and an employee.

433
00:16:15,307 --> 00:16:16,641
The taxpayers pay us,

434
00:16:16,675 --> 00:16:18,209
so we can't have anything

435
00:16:18,243 --> 00:16:19,777
appearing even
remotely scandalous.

436
00:16:19,812 --> 00:16:21,579
I'm just saying, if you can't
keep your mouth to yourself,

437
00:16:21,613 --> 00:16:24,682
- I'm gonna have to suspend you.
- I understand.

438
00:16:24,717 --> 00:16:27,352
Look. Cucumber flower.

439
00:16:27,386 --> 00:16:29,520
Wow. That's so cute.

440
00:16:29,555 --> 00:16:31,589
Wait, that's a garnish.
You're not supposed to eat that.

441
00:16:31,623 --> 00:16:32,991
What?

442
00:16:33,025 --> 00:16:34,659
So just type up
those ones we talked about,

443
00:16:34,693 --> 00:16:36,260
and we'll get it
finalized tomorrow.

444
00:16:36,295 --> 00:16:38,062
Yep.

445
00:16:38,097 --> 00:16:39,397
- Hey, Tom.
- Yep.

446
00:16:39,431 --> 00:16:41,499
Um...

447
00:16:41,533 --> 00:16:44,402
What was all that stuff
with you and Leslie?

448
00:16:44,436 --> 00:16:47,005
Girl likes Indian food.
What can I say?

449
00:16:47,039 --> 00:16:48,406
Fine.

450
00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:50,708
We got matched up
on an online dating site.

451
00:16:50,743 --> 00:16:53,044
And I was messing with her.
She got pissed.

452
00:16:53,078 --> 00:16:55,380
So she took me out
in the hallway and kissed me

453
00:16:55,414 --> 00:16:57,415
- out of revenge.
- Really?

454
00:16:57,449 --> 00:16:59,584
And as much as it pains me
to admit this,

455
00:16:59,618 --> 00:17:01,019
it was not disgusting.

456
00:17:01,053 --> 00:17:03,287
Okay, well,
I don't need the details.

457
00:17:03,322 --> 00:17:05,223
I'm just saying,
she knows what to do.

458
00:17:05,257 --> 00:17:07,859
- All right.
- Like, I was impressed.

459
00:17:07,893 --> 00:17:09,927
- Yeah.
- It was stirring.

460
00:17:09,962 --> 00:17:11,429
- Good-bye.
- It felt like--

461
00:17:11,463 --> 00:17:12,864
- Can-- Yep.
- All right.

462
00:17:12,898 --> 00:17:15,566
- Just-- All right.
- Anyway, like I was saying...

463
00:17:15,601 --> 00:17:17,635
I humbly place before you

464
00:17:17,669 --> 00:17:20,438
my east meets west patented
Traeger turkey burger--

465
00:17:20,472 --> 00:17:21,939
An Asian fusion burger

466
00:17:21,974 --> 00:17:24,342
made with Willow Farms
organic turkey,

467
00:17:24,376 --> 00:17:26,044
a toasted tallegio-cheese crisp,

468
00:17:26,078 --> 00:17:28,946
papaya chutney,
black truffle aioli,

469
00:17:28,981 --> 00:17:31,382
and micro-greens
on a gluten-free brioche bun.

470
00:17:31,417 --> 00:17:33,418
- Enjoy.
- Mmm.

471
00:17:33,452 --> 00:17:35,853
This tastes as delicious
as Beyonce smells...

472
00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:37,121
I'm guessing.

473
00:17:37,156 --> 00:17:39,323
What is this in here-- Saffron?

474
00:17:39,358 --> 00:17:41,492
Wow, somebody's got a sharp palate.

475
00:17:41,527 --> 00:17:43,594
I love the umami flavor.

476
00:17:43,629 --> 00:17:45,663
Stop being so pretentious, Kyle.

477
00:17:45,697 --> 00:17:47,565
- Sorry.
- Here's mine.

478
00:17:47,599 --> 00:17:51,469
It's a hamburger
made out of meat on a bun

479
00:17:51,503 --> 00:17:53,004
with nothing.

480
00:17:53,038 --> 00:17:54,806
Add ketchup if you want.

481
00:17:54,840 --> 00:17:57,575
I couldn't care less.

482
00:17:57,609 --> 00:18:00,011
Ron, I'm so disappointed.

483
00:18:00,045 --> 00:18:02,280
I thought that you and I were
gonna have a real challenge.

484
00:18:02,314 --> 00:18:03,948
Never mind. This is better.

485
00:18:03,982 --> 00:18:05,850
- Way better.
- Mmm. Yep.

486
00:18:05,884 --> 00:18:06,851
Mm-hmm.

487
00:18:06,885 --> 00:18:08,152
Kyle?

488
00:18:08,187 --> 00:18:09,987
Sorry, Andy. Ron's is better.

489
00:18:10,022 --> 00:18:12,590
Damn it, Kyle.

490
00:18:12,624 --> 00:18:14,959
Oh, my God, it's so much
better, it's crazy.

491
00:18:14,993 --> 00:18:17,662
Turkey can never beat cow, Chris.

492
00:18:17,696 --> 00:18:19,163
Sorry.

493
00:18:19,198 --> 00:18:20,998
I don't understand.

494
00:18:21,033 --> 00:18:23,501
I-I-I've tinkered
with this recipe for years.

495
00:18:23,535 --> 00:18:26,237
Granted, it's been a long time
since I've had hamburger.

496
00:18:33,545 --> 00:18:34,779
This is better.

497
00:18:34,813 --> 00:18:36,280
The commissary will
continue to serve

498
00:18:36,315 --> 00:18:38,816
horrifying,
artery-clogging hamburgers.

499
00:18:43,255 --> 00:18:46,224
Man, we spent, like, 50 hours
working on those burgers.

500
00:18:46,258 --> 00:18:48,493
I know. Hard work never pays off.

501
00:18:48,527 --> 00:18:50,962
Cooking is dumb.

502
00:18:50,996 --> 00:18:53,364
I swear on this dead crow

503
00:18:53,398 --> 00:18:55,700
that I will never cook for you.

504
00:18:55,734 --> 00:18:59,470
I love you.

505
00:18:59,505 --> 00:19:01,439
I just wanted to make sure that
there were no hard feelings

506
00:19:01,473 --> 00:19:02,807
after I forced you
to break up with Tom.

507
00:19:02,841 --> 00:19:05,676
Oh, we weren't-- No.

508
00:19:05,711 --> 00:19:07,011
No hard feelings.

509
00:19:07,045 --> 00:19:08,613
'Cause it's just
a real bugaboo of mine.

510
00:19:08,647 --> 00:19:10,081
And it applies to everyone.

511
00:19:10,115 --> 00:19:11,949
Just the other day, Ben told me

512
00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:13,518
that he might want to
socialize with somebody

513
00:19:13,552 --> 00:19:15,119
from the government,
and I said, "I'm sorry"...

514
00:19:15,154 --> 00:19:17,155
- "Not possible."
- Really?

515
00:19:17,189 --> 00:19:18,723
Did he say who?

516
00:19:18,757 --> 00:19:21,159
No, and I didn't ask,
'cause it's irrelevant.

517
00:19:21,193 --> 00:19:22,693
He oversees every department.

518
00:19:22,728 --> 00:19:24,228
It simply can't happen.

519
00:19:24,263 --> 00:19:26,564
This is literally the best
thing I've ever eaten.

520
00:19:26,598 --> 00:19:28,866
Mmm. And it's so bad for me.

521
00:19:28,901 --> 00:19:30,434
I'm gonna have to jog
while I digest this.

522
00:19:30,469 --> 00:19:33,671
Excuse me.

523
00:19:33,705 --> 00:19:35,039
- Hey, what's up?
- Hey.

524
00:19:35,073 --> 00:19:38,242
Well, uh, I think
I'm allergic to chutney.

525
00:19:38,277 --> 00:19:40,077
Also, what's chutney?

526
00:19:40,112 --> 00:19:41,779
- No clue.
- Yeah.

527
00:19:41,813 --> 00:19:43,281
Hey, I never got to tell you
the rest of my ideas.

528
00:19:43,315 --> 00:19:45,416
You want to go somewhere
and talk about 'em?

529
00:19:45,450 --> 00:19:46,951
Yeah. Yeah,
I'd love to.

530
00:19:46,985 --> 00:19:48,920
Um, let me get some actual food

531
00:19:48,954 --> 00:19:51,122
and then-- do you know

532
00:19:51,156 --> 00:19:53,925
that wildflower mural
up on the second floor?

533
00:19:53,959 --> 00:19:56,394
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah?

534
00:19:56,428 --> 00:19:57,461
You want to meet there?

535
00:19:57,496 --> 00:19:59,297
- Yeah.
- Okay.

536
00:19:59,331 --> 00:20:00,798
Sounds good.

537
00:20:00,832 --> 00:20:02,900
I don't know
if the online thing is for me.

538
00:20:02,935 --> 00:20:05,970
I prefer to meet people in person.

539
00:20:06,004 --> 00:20:07,939
It's like door number two

540
00:20:07,973 --> 00:20:10,741
on <i>Let's Make a Deal.</i>

541
00:20:10,776 --> 00:20:12,310
Do you want the thing that you have,

542
00:20:12,344 --> 00:20:13,744
that you know you like

543
00:20:13,779 --> 00:20:16,380
but isn't perfect,

544
00:20:16,415 --> 00:20:21,252
or do you give it up for
what's behind door number two?

545
00:20:21,286 --> 00:20:24,655
I think I like what I have.

546
00:20:24,690 --> 00:20:27,325
I'm gonna try to make it work
with Tom.

547
00:20:27,359 --> 00:20:28,926
I'm kidding.

548
00:20:32,064 --> 00:20:33,564
How did you and I get matched up?

549
00:20:33,599 --> 00:20:35,032
I made 26 profiles,

550
00:20:35,067 --> 00:20:37,201
each designed to attract
a different type of girl.

551
00:20:37,236 --> 00:20:40,137
Tom A. Haverford,
sporty and sexy.

552
00:20:40,172 --> 00:20:42,640
Tom B. Haverford,
smooth and soulful.

553
00:20:42,674 --> 00:20:44,275
Which letter did you get?

554
00:20:44,309 --> 00:20:46,210
"N." Tom N. Haverford.

555
00:20:47,813 --> 00:20:49,080
The "N" stands for "Nerd."

556
00:20:49,114 --> 00:20:50,181
I never even check that one,

557
00:20:50,215 --> 00:20:51,382
'cause no one ever responds to it.

558
00:20:51,416 --> 00:20:52,617
Okay, well, whatever.

559
00:20:52,651 --> 00:20:54,885
Tom N. Haverford collects globes.

560
00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:56,120
Great. That's enough.

561
00:20:56,154 --> 00:20:58,055
His favorite movie is books.

562
00:20:58,090 --> 00:20:59,123
Donna.

563
00:21:03,495 --> 00:21:06,998
Every time I want you
to shut up from now on.

564
00:21:07,010 --> 00:21:17,010
Corrected by www.addic7ed.com

565
00:21:17,060 --> 00:21:21,610
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0